A Quick recap
Plan A - Impose a solution. Tell tale signs, "I've decided that..." Solutions arrived at using this plan are usually uninformed, are based on adult solutions, and are not a partnership. Might be used in emergent situations involving safety.
There are no skills taught here. No problems are solved durably. It can increase the chance of more challenging behaviours.
Plan C - This involves setting aside the problem temporarily and prioritising what needs to be dealt with. It is ok to let go of some lower expectations so that adult + child are not overwhelmed by the number of issues that need 'fixing.'
Plan B - The problem is solved collaboratively. The child is helped to understand the concerns the adult has. The child and adult work together as partners towards a mutual solution.
There are 2 ways to use Plan B - emergency and proactive. We are aiming for Proactive! We're aiming to identify concerns, solve problems, teaching skills, reducing challenging behaviours.
Step 1. Empathy
Step 2. Define the adult concerns
Step 3. Invitation
Interesting points
- Will the child be held accountable? Let's challenge what this really means. Usually we actually mean, "will they pay the price..." Within Plan B, the child is held accountable by identifying and voicing his own concerns, listening to others' concerns, and working towards realistic solutions.
- If 'Joey' doesn't have the skills to do the right thing, all the punishment in the world won't teach him the skills he lacks.'
- Challenging kids have not yet developed the skills they need to solve problems, handle their emotions, shift gears, and interact with others. So relevant when I think of some of our cherubs.
Bumps in the Road
It won't be easy!
Why - we revert back to Plan A because we get stuck. It can be hard to clarify a child's concerns.
Be a reflective listener!
Many adults have had their own conerns ignored or dismissed as kids - we perpetuate the cycle!
Don't rush the empathy step - problems 'solved' in moments usually are not solved at all. If empathy is skipped, the child won't engage.
If adults make proposals , remember they are just that - proposals! If they're imposed, you're doing Plan A!
Duelling solutions - negotiating/meeting in the middle won't cut it either.
'Restraints and seclusions wont solve problems, they just tell us we missed something.' This was an interesting statement for me given where we are with some of our top tier cherubs. I would love to hear some thoughts on what to do with 2-3 of these dears. I can absolutely see that a good relationship (empathy, empathy, empathy) is essential with these kids.
When a child says they don't care - don't lose it! They long term answer is to care more! It's playing the long game, which I see working with some.
